I have been blogging a book I have been reading called “The Five Love Languages” which has been a great experience. My wife is reading this too for Valentine’s day. We have learned a lot about not just married relationships but how people can learn to love and appreciate one another. If you have any questions please contact me. Click the link below to read my posts which have been tagged “The Five Love Languages”.
The Times Of Tony Burgess • Posts Tagged ‘the five love languages’
There are people who are in relationships with people who are not the easiest persons to love. Its those partnerships where you have a lot of demanding and condemning from one side or the other. You find there are a lot of differences that keep there from being unity and happiness.
Many people in relationships hate their partner but they don’t want to leave. Divorce or breaking up is not an option in their mind. So often, they have to go it alone in seeking to make things better. It will take lots of work though and it will test the mettle of a person who wants to save the relationship.
What keeps them going…it can be obligation, commitment, fear of change. Some relationships I think can be saved while others just need to end. Its a highly personal decision and should be made with counsel. For some faith and prayer are a big part of the decision to end things but those are the same things can keep a relationship going.
Some relationships are able to be saved if you can determine what love language your partner speaks. I have been reading “The Five Love Languages” and there are 5 different languages that people respond to and you can improve your relationship if you know how to make your partner or spouse feel like you are trying and want to make things work.
Its not going to be easy, it might take a long time to restore your relationship. We live in a time of instant gratification but this is one time where it could get ugly again before it gets better. You might have to do some things that will require you to give more than you get at first. If you want to save your union or even friendship then get help in figuring out how to proceed. Take care and I hope you find peace in your partnership.
Last year I took my wife to see a movie called “Hope Springs” it featured Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. They played a couple who had been married for a long time, maybe 30 plus years and they seemed to go through the motions day after day. Streep’s character would cook him breakfast, then Jones character would go to work, he would come home to a hot dinner cooked for him and he would crash in front of the TV. They also slept in separate beds….Then she wanted something more, something different so she sought out the counsel of a marriage therapist played by Steve Carell to see if their marriage could be saved. Well there was a happy ending to the story and they worked things out after putting some work into it.
A lot of couples go through this sort of thing. Life becomes more routine and there is no joy in their relationship. Some couples become more like roommates than lovers or partners. We take things for granted and it ends up making our lives miserable. Now there are times when one side of the partnership has no clue what’s going on. Certain assumptions from one side or the other can make things very difficult. You might think physical touch is what your partner wants when its something completely different.
Paying attention to your spouse or partner can help clue you in. Admittedly I am not always good at that. All you have to do is ask. Your partner is there and its good to ask. Even when you think you know, ask again.
Sometimes you need help in this area so counseling is a way to restructure and get advice. Love will find a way and sometimes it takes a third person. Once things are back on track you can find yourself happy and motivated to work on your relationship.
When you make a choice to love it can be exciting and scary all at once. You make a decision to spend your life with someone hopefully for the long haul. Many people have great relationships that have a foundation of love that is built to last.
However some couples drift apart because of one reason or another. Most times relationships fall apart because it isn’t being cared for like a flower in a garden. You have to water and feed a plant for it to survive. Human partnerships are much like that. “The Five Love Languages” uses the metaphor of a “tank” that needs to be filled to keep a relationship alive. You fill that tank in part by using the love language explained in the book.
Some couples suffer because they don’t know the language of their partner. You have to be present in your relationship to make it work. It means spending time with your partner to grow the relationship. Today we are so busy and its easy to ignore that person you have chosen to love. There is a song that says “love takes time” and its true. You have to take the time to love no matter your schedule.
Love to me is like a fire. You have kindling which gets the fire started then you have to put on long burning log to keep the fire burning. Kindling is great but it doesn’t last very long.
Finding your language of love can help you find the fuel to keep your relationships burning for a long time.
This quote from “The Five Love Languages” resonated with me. I hope it will impact you too.
“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different”
What’s done is done, you can be forgiven. However love can heal your heart and soul plus save a partnership. Love can set a new course for a better tomorrow.
Do you know the language of love that you respond to? This information can show you the best way your spouse or partner can demonstrate how much they care about you. The ability to relate to people in a way that makes them feel special can go a long way in keeping a relationship healthy. Every person has something that can help them feel valued, secure and nurtured so knowing that can bring you closer together.
If you have been following along I have talked about five languages that Dr. Gary Chapman lays out in his book “The Five Love Languages”. He lays out the case of the language of love through years of experience in counseling, anthropological study, and keen observation that we are all different and we all react and respond to love in different ways.
Its about keeping our “tanks” full of love and appreciation. We can’t put all of it on our partners shoulders we all have our individual responsibilities to do that. However to feel loved in our relationships our significant others have the opportunity to make us feel appreciated. So many couples struggle with this because they just assume what makes each other tick but in reality they don’t. Assuming is a dangerous thing as I have experienced.
On the “Five Love Languages” website there is a test that both couples and singles can take. For those who are without a partner in life you still can find out more about who you are and what makes you happy. It can help you find that person who will give you fulfillment and love. Click the graphic below and go the site to take the test.
In reading “The Five Love Languages” I was reminded about Carson and Mrs. Hughes from Downton Abbey. They are dedicated to serving the Crawleys. Yes it was how they made a living but in a way its a model for how we are to care for those who respond to Acts of Service.
Many people love having things done for them. Its not that they are lazy but to them being cared for in this way is an expression of how their spouse or partner can best love them. Taking care of things around the house and at work, if done in a cheerful manner can be an act of love.
Men and women respond to this differently. We have gender role models from our parents who did different things in their household. Women might take care of things inside the house while men took care of things outside the house. In two career households acts of service can be a relationship saver. Communicating to your spouse or partner what you can do for them will prevent resentment and a fractured relationship. Writing it down and being clear is always a good thing.
There are lots of things we can do for one another. Paying attention and asking can go a long way in fostering happiness. Giving of yourself is always a good idea. Being a team and serving one another can create harmony.
I don’t know too many folks who don’t enjoy getting a gift. There are all sorts of occasions in which to give and receive a gift. For many people receiving a gift is how they feel loved and appreciated. In my reading of “The Five Love Languages” there are people who enjoy getting gifts from the ones they love. Giving from heart is a powerful way to show you care. One might think those who love getting gifts as materialistic, but that is not the case. Gifts are anything from getting a single rose to being physically present in someones life. You don’t have to spend much for the ones you love. Its the thought that really counts most. Its not a matter of spending your way into someones heart its a simple act of offering yourself as that precious gift to your loved ones.
Spending time together is a vital part of any relationship. Giving focused attention can say to your spouse, mate, friend, partner that you love and care about them. You don’t have to be in a committed relationship I feel to practice one of the “Five Love Languages”.
Our lives today are so focused on getting things done and achieving success under the guise of doing it for your loved ones. Its that desire to get ahead in life that fractures relationships and leads to relationships ending. Sometimes work can be used as a reason to avoid having to grow a relationship.
I guess its like a house plant, unless you water and feed it soon it will wither and die. People like to feel like they matter and being together physically can help foster that. I am not always good at this. There are distractions such as media, tech, the list of stuff that needs to get done that can get in the way. Like anything worth doing it requires work and determination. Have peace and come together good people.
Everyone likes to hear good things about them. Being affirmed can make you feel great. Words can build up as well as tear down. Giving words of encouragement can make everyone feel valued, loved, appreciated. In the book I am reading “The Five Love Languages” it talks about how words of affirmation can be a powerful motivator to accomplish the everyday things to big stuff. People enjoy the affirming words from people they love. Those same words can be used by friends to help build up their friends, co-workers, a waitress in a coffee shop, anyone. Our world needs to hear a message of hope. Words of affirmation can make a difference in the lives of everyone.